


What Sober Couldn’t Say

by TheForkingSupreme



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Backstory, Eventual Romance, F/F, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Law School, Past Sexual Assault, Probably slight AU bc my grasp of canon is a little weak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25047160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheForkingSupreme/pseuds/TheForkingSupreme
Summary: Annalise reflects on her relationship with Eve, where it all went wrong, and the things that she wished she could’ve told Eve when she was sober. Annalise reflects on the highs and lows, from when they first met through the end of their relationship
Relationships: Annalise Keating/Eve Rothlo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	What Sober Couldn’t Say

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends!
> 
> This is my first crack at HTGAWM fic (so be nice, lol) but I’ve been captivated by that the dynamic between Eve and Annalise forever! I thought it would be fun to take a slightly unexpected crack at how they met and how their relationship developed. Feedback greatly appreciated. I hope you like it!

Annalise never believed that she was worthy of Eve’s love. She had never been able to say that directly to Eve’s face, not sober anyway. This was one of her two biggest regrets where Eve was concerned. Truthfully, though, Annalise’s increasing inability to communicate with Eve was closely connected to her increasing use of alcohol to numb her discomfort. It hadn’t always been like that. She had started out being present, fully, and honest – more honest than she’d ever been with anyone else in her life. And that was what scared Annalise the most.

It wasn’t something that Annalise had been aware of, necessarily, at the time- at least not consciously. Law school was a brutal environment, one that was particularly violent towards any member of a marginalized group, and for Annalise, the two inescapable ones (race & gender) were hard to enough to reconcile with the cold, “objective” perspective expected in legal analysis.

Almost from the very first moment she set foot in the classroom, Annalise could see that the implicit central assumption in every case was that all parties involved were constructively figured as white straight men. That was just simply the way that the law operated, and there was a fair amount of mental gymnastics that it took for her to reconcile that facts of the cases with their outcomes. This was particularly true when it came to criminal law, which was what intrigued her the most about the subject matter, perhaps.

The thing about these law school struggles that most confounded Annalise in the beginning of her 1L year was that it seemed like nobody else was dealing with the sort of psychological struggles that she was going through. She struggled to relate to her Harvard classmates, who were so, so white. Although they seemed to refute the existence of the Northern coastal elites, Annalise could see why nobody liked these assholes. They had their heads so far up their asses that they couldn’t see what was real.

In any event, she had struggled through most of her first year completely isolated from her classmates. She had tried joining the Women’s Law Association and Black Law Students Association, but that hadn’t helped much at all. The other students mostly all came from wealthy families, and they were mostly all a bit younger than she was, given that she had taken a few years off after college, needing to earn money enough money to move up north. These students were so spoiled that it made her want to scream. They had no perspective.

And then…one day…she met Eve.

It was a chance encounter at the Student Health Center, of all places. And not exactly under the best of all possible circumstances, either. Annalise had been referred to a therapist there as follow-up to a brief stint that she had done in the psych ward at a local hospital, something she’d managed to keep off of her record by engaging in some less-than-ethical behavior, but hey, she had to do whatever it took to do to be admitted. And besides, to her way of thinking, the weird way that the bar examiners dealt with mental health was immoral and unfair in and of itself, and she’d always been more interested in justice than playing by any sort of formalized rules.

Annalise had just finished scheduling her next appointment when she bumped into a tall, lithe, gorgeous woman who seemed physically almost too perfect to be real. She was so stunned by this woman’s beauty that it took her a long moment to register that the woman was crying. Or that she was apologizing.

“Oh, no, that’s totally okay, it was my fault, too,” Annalise offered awkwardly, “Are you coming or going?”

The other woman sniffled, grabbing a few tissues from the counter.

“Going. Unfortunately,” she said, laughing bitterly.

“Why is that unfortunate? Leaving this place is always the best part of my day.”

“Oh, no reason, just processing some bad news. Not really ready to get back to briefing cases just yet…”

“You’re a law student, too?”

At that, the tall brunette’s eyes widened as she turned to actually look at Annalise.

“Uh, yeah, I am. I think you’re in my section, actually. You’re a 1L too, right?”

“I am…why…I feel like I would have noticed if you were in my section…I feel like I would’ve remembered you.”

“I sit in the back, usually. Honestly you seem pretty intense, you’re probably just too focused on studying to have noticed. Besides I tend to slip in at the last minute. The less time I can spend making small talk with those people the better. I’m Eve, by the way. Rothlo.”

Annalise laughed.

“I’m probably too busy grumbling about what everyone who sits around me is talking about, more like. Rothlo….Rothlo…oh, that’s right. Ms. Rothlo, you had that badass birth control rant when you got cold called for Eisenstadt, right?”

Eve blushed.

“Guilty as charged, Ms. Harkness,” Eve replied.

“Oh, you know who I am? That’s embarrassing.”

Eve shrugged.

“Yeah, well, no offense but there are only two other Black students in our section and you don’t much resemble Mr. Johnson or Mr. Dubois.”

Annalise chuckled.

“Fair enough. I really don’t know how it was that I didn’t recognize you just now.”

Eve brushed this off.

“You usually can’t tell that I’m absurdly tall in that chair, I’m sure. And the lack of makeup probably doesn’t help.”

“Annalise, by the way. My first name. Or, well it’s something I’m trying out anyway.”

“Nice to meet you officially, Annalise.”

“Where are you headed now?”

“Oh, uh, I’m not really sure to be totally honest,” Eve admitted, tears brimming in her eyes as she remembered where she was and what was happening.

“Tough day?”

“Yeah. You could say that. I’ve uh, got to… an appointment.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to get in your way.”

“No, no,” Eve sighed, “not here. I uh, I’ve actually… need to…go to Planned Parenthood. God, I don’t know why I am telling you any of this. We were just making small talk…this isn’t…I don’t have friends here.”

Annalise reached out and touched Eve’s forearm.

“Hey, it’s okay. I get it. I don’t have anyone out here either. Do you want some company? I don’t mind.”

“Are…you sure? I really…don’t know how this is going to go. I mean, I’ve always had strong opinions about…women’s rights, but I didn’t expect that any of that would actually be relevant to my own personal life. I mean, you know, I’m a goddamn lesbian for crying out loud.” Eve, realizing that she had just outed herself, covered her face with her hands. “Oh my God, I just cannot stop over sharing, can I?”

Annalise smiled.

“It’s fine. We’re friends now. I’ve decided. And, not that you asked, but I’m bisexual. There. Now we’re even. And not that you said it was a secret, but it’s safe with me.”

Eve smiled, grateful, and relieved that Annalise wasn’t peppering her with questions like she was sure that pretty much any of their other classmates would have.

—

Eve and Annalise had arrived at the clinic about an hour early. Eve was incredibly anxious, so the two walked around the area, stopping at a café for a quick bite, chatting easily. Both women had the tendency to get almost overly enthusiastic and passionate about the things that they cared about, so even though they had somewhat divergent interests, at least where pop culture was concerned, they related to each other with ease. They also bonded over shared disdain for the ignorance of their fellow classmates and their disappointingly right leaning politics.

When the time came for the appointment, Eve grabbed Annalise’s hand tightly, taking Annalise somewhat by surprise.

“You’re going to be fine. They’re just going to do an exam and make sure that everything went to plan, right? Just like you were telling me outside. You took the pill, everything seems like it happened the way that it was supposed to, and if it didn’t, well, you’ll figure it out.”

Eve nodded, looking panicked nevertheless.

“I know, I know, I’ll be fine. I just, my rational brain is not working so well right now…god I feel so stupid, it’s just a fucking follow-up.”

Eve hesitated.

“If you want me to come back there with you I will. I will hold your hand. I know it’s nerve-wracking.”

Eve nodded, and Annalise followed. The appointment was uneventful, and as far as the doctor could tell, the abortion had progressed exactly as it was intended to. Although the doctor explained several times that the chances that Eve was still pregnant were negligible, she couldn’t shake her irrational fear over that potential outcome. Annalise took the T back to Eve’s apartment, walking her to her door.

“Do you want some company tonight? Or just…I don’t know, someone to study with?”

Annalise hiked her bag up on her shoulder, the weight of her casebooks getting to her after carrying them around all day.

Eve nodded.

“Just so you know, I’m not usually this much of a mess. You’ve just unfortunately met me at a…bad time, the worst actually. Which is…pretty unfortunate, actually, for me, because…well, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve kind of had a crush on you since the first week of school.”

“What? I got blown up on call in Torts and you just thought, ‘wow, what a catch?’”

“Oh yeah, exactly. I love a woman who has no earthly idea what the definition of assault is. That really gets me hot.”

“Oof, that got dark,” Annalise joked.

“Yeah, well, if we don’t have gallows humor, what have we got?”

Annalise watched Eve for a long moment.

“I don’t think you should be alone tonight.”

“I just told you that I have a huge crush on you and you’re just going to leave me hanging? After you already didn’t recognize me? I am gutted, I’m not sure I should invite you in,” Eve teased.

“Well, your loss. I’ll just have to take my fine ass back to the library.”

“Very funny. Get in here, Harkness.”

“Or what, I should be in apprehension of immediate harm?”

“Ooh, she’s brushed up on her intentional torts, well then, that changes things.”

“Damn. Well, nice knowing you.”

Both women started at each other for a long moment before bursting out laughing. Once they regained their composure, Eve finally allowed Annalise to cross the threshold.


End file.
